Feel this moment

What will I ever become in this moment...

Please, let me see the secrets that are locked up on this day.
Allow me a minute of understanding,
A pause, a clarity.
Everything seems so shadowed so unclear, like I am in a fog so lost
I cannot even find my balance.

Let me know something this day oh God
So I can swallow
So I can stand up and find a direction
Let me hear just enough
that I can find you
in each encounter, each person,
each moment, each deed.

If darkness is not to win
Let me know
send your light to burn out the fog and
show me where I am today
where my brother and sister are
what do they need that
I may be some small comfort

Let me know some small thing of youI cannot be the one in charge
I am lost
I am without direction
my map is full of holes
I follow my own directions and I crash
I fall over every cliff trip over every log
slide helplessly down every slope

Let me know something this day Oh God.

get the one liners...

Just when I thought I couldn't stand to hear one more political comment here comes Paul.

1Cor 3:1-9
Brothers and sisters,
I could not talk to you as spiritual people,
but as fleshly people, as infants in Christ.
I fed you milk, not solid food,
because you were unable to take it.
Indeed, you are still not able, even now,
for you are still of the flesh.
While there is jealousy and rivalry among you,
are you not of the flesh, and walking
according to the manner of man?
Whenever someone says, "I belong to Paul," and another,
"I belong to Apollos," are you not merely men?

What is Apollos, after all, and what is Paul?
Ministers through whom you became believers,
just as the Lord assigned each one.
I planted, Apollos watered, but God caused the growth.
Therefore, neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything,
but only God, who causes the growth.
He who plants and he who waters are one,
and each will receive wages in proportion to his labor.
For we are God's co-workers;
you are God's field, God's building.

Jealousy and rivalry and ugliness it seems like our country is doomed.
There are so many lies and deceit. There is no right way to turn ones loyalty.

Here Paul tells me to get over myself because it is all about the Lord God.

It is God who will cause the growth,

we are only God's coworkers!   Most of the time he doesn't need us anyway.

I can't believe how quickly I get swept onto a bandwagon,
I know how hard I try to stay off.

Where are the pithy sayings for these Godly beliefs?
Why no one liners?
no 1% or
the other 98% 
what does it all mean anyway?
Can I possibly make any difference!
Please Lord, give me the wisdom and patience to look for your love, 
and bless me if you desire to serve as a citizen of your kingdom and as an American.
I ask for wisdom to look for your ways when I know the answer is between the lines
in the fraction of a percent, in the hearts and service to
 those forgotten.

Today I read this prayer from Father Mychal Judge a priest and firefighter who died in 9/11

“Lord, take me where you want me to go; 

let me meet who you want me to meet; 

tell me what you want me to say; 

and keep me out of your way.”

Get on with...

There is a line in a storybook, that goes "Could this go on all Day and Night? It could you know and it just might!" Why is it some things like this just stick in my head? God's Comic relief I am hoping. (Stop That Ball by Mike McClintock)

Why is it when there is something unnerving or unpleasant to be done I find myself procrastinating, weighing all the scenarios, when really the answer should be who cares just get it done. or else it will indeed drag on all day and night.

1 Cor 2:10b-16

Brothers and sisters:
The Spirit scrutinizes everything, even the depths of God.
Among men, who knows what pertains to the man
except his spirit that is within?
Similarly, no one knows what pertains to God except the Spirit of God.
We have not received the spirit of the world
but the Spirit who is from God,
so that we may understand the things freely given us by God.
And we speak about them not with words taught by human wisdom,
but with words taught by the Spirit,
describing spiritual realities in spiritual terms.

Now the natural man does not accept what pertains to the Spirit of God,
for to him it is foolishness, and he cannot understand it,
because it is judged spiritually.
The one who is spiritual, however, can judge everything
but is not subject to judgment by anyone.

For "who has known the mind of the Lord, so as to counsel him?"
But we have the mind of Christ.

I think when I worry or procrastinate I am living as the natural me and not in the spiritual me.
In trusting God I can be the real me God has created me to be. Only God knows the depth of me,

get back home

I just made a plane reservation to go back home to Austin to see my grandchildren. I am light headed and happy with a pit of butterflies in my stomach.


I have become more aware of nerves or dread whenever I make plans and fix them in place. It is like I discover this dark thing off in the background of my plans. It can be huge sometimes like a wide still lake, or like a big puddle covering a street intersection dark and mysterious, It leaves me feeling strange and off balance like I have forgotten something or cheated someone. Is it the same for anyone entering the unknown? What is so funny, when I was much younger anything different was exhilarating I never worried about how things might change, I loved change....like a junkie!

It is amazing today how this one small change feels like it adds or takes away color in my world. I had been thinking this wasn't possible to make this trip; but then like I had this a tap on my shoulder I decided to start praying that if this could work out that it would, and amazingly it has.

Philipians

Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.

Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. ⁶

Keep on doing what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me. Then the God of peace will be with you. ⁷

⁸ I rejoice greatly in the Lord that now at last you revived your concern for me. You were, of course, concerned about me but lacked an opportunity.

Not that I say this because of need, for I have learned, in whatever situation I find myself, to be self-sufficient.

I know indeed how to live in humble circumstances; I know also how to live with abundance. In every circumstance and in all things I have learned the secret of being well fed and of going hungry, of living in abundance and of being in need.

I have the strength for everything through him who empowers me.

When has the world knowingly changed? Almost never , we just don't know what is going to happen. I ask myself often why didn't any one know about this or that...

I have a heightened sense that I have left disappointment in the wake of my plan. but WHY? My husband has offered numerous times to let me go visit. This time it was my request and not his offer but he said sure. Why do I feel so uneasy? Do I always have to have show girls singing and dancing so I know I am OK that I did the right thing?

The boat progresses, I am truly excited and happy and scared. I am also deeply sensing David's apprehension. He doesn't dare allow himself to get excited about completion. I really sense it is near. The boat I have realized is really a huge puzzle that until our project only existed on paper. There isn't a manual of what to do when, that is why we are so very grateful for John Shaw the company owner and builder. He is the one with all the knowledge in his head. We build a part and hook it with a previous part. If that doesn't work he has a whole list of ways to try and make it work out. So far there have been delivery delays and missed worker who are ill that has slowed the project down


I remember watching Jesse James build cars on a TV show, and there was this thing if the car didn't start when they were done, he blew it up. How crazy is that.

The boat will get finished. All will be well we will sail. And in the mean time with my trip back to Austin I will be making lists of things I just can't live without; and plan to hug my grands to pieces. I will be there for William's Birthday, I can maybe watch one of his soccer games and pick Layla up from school and visit my friends for coffee. Oh excitement.

Rejoice in the Lord!

my old life

Sometimes I just want my old life back,
before the house sold and we moved, before retirement.
I think I knew myself better than.

It is very different now, not bad, but very different.
I find myself in spaces where I don't know what I can do.
Why is that?

My choices to sit in a chair, sit on a bed, sit on a couch...
How is this space different from where I was before.

Partly I know it is because it isn't mine. I can't control it.
Outside it is cool not the hot I am used to.
The same 3 pair of jeans rerun over and over
An occasional capri or something long in another fabric...

Who would be grateful for my life.

I ask the Lord to come with me on this journey.
I ask to see the light he has put in my path. I ask to be strong.

Faith and freedom

God is going to take care of us, whether or not we can see down the road. He will not let us walk in darkness and leave us there alone. He will not let us walk to a place and abandon us.

— from Hiking the Camino

So why do I fear this? I am somewhat ashamed to admit it is the peanut gallery that holds me back! Even if only by perceived voices or comments that are playing old tapes in my sub conscious, it can still sometimes make me hesitate or just avoid completely. When I ignore this panel of accusers; believing that God has it all together and will keep me, I falter again and am tempted to question myself forever afterwards.

"Relationships don't thrive because the guilty are punished but because the wounded are merciful. --@MaxLucado"

Write to mom?

Somewhere I read it is important to write everyday, even if it is just a letter.
Then that made me think about how many times I would have called mom, this past year, but can't. I miss that.
So I decided to write my call. Can you do that?
I would say "Hi mom, It's me, Cindy, how are you doing." and after she answered I would tell her what I am doing, That "I walked into town again today and bought some mailing envelopes to send some stuff to the kids." Then I would say, that "what I am sending doesn't even cost as much as the postage will to send it. But I will send it anyway because I need to."  (The voice of my dad saying it is a waste of money will be so far in the distance I will barely notice it.)

I would tell her about how "Layla was sick all last Saturday and had to go to the hospital finally and how my cell phone was right next to my pillow so I could get every update."  Sunday I was in a daze all day.

Would I tell her we washed clothes all day Sunday. nah boring! right.
The Gospel at Mass was the multiplication of Loaves and Fishes, I would tell her that and she would share some thought, That Gospel is one of my favorites. Still it so amazes me that there were 12 baskets left over...

I'd say "I got up the courage to go introduce my self to the pastor, not sure he noticed, ah well."

I would tell her " Kate, my best friend since 5th grade found out her oldest son is going to Afghanistan in January and is getting married before he goes. The wedding will be a quickie at the courthouse with his brother and sister in law as witnesses. A big reception type celebration is planned when he returns. We all have that date to put on our calendars. I think who knows where I will be in a year?" I would retell her their names who was older, who was younger....and we'd chat about my friend Kate for awhile...

Then there would be a boat update, or would there. I don't think I ever really told mom much about the boat. I just figured it would be too hard to help her through all the understandings of why David wants to build one and go out on the ocean. Heck I don't even know if I thought it would happen until he retired about a year ago.

I would tell her "I had to go now, and that I loved her sooo much".

When the call was over I would feel good I had reached out and connected. hmmmm was it connecting or just selfishness?  I rejoice in knowing that somehow in spite of my failings God would turn this to good.

Amen!