let him go?

If Norman Rockwell had Painted it. He would have been in uniform with his duffel over his shoulder the bus waiting; and him turning, for a last glance waving with a shy smile. The doorway and front yard would have been spilling over with teary-eyed flag waving friends and family waving, wishing him well and praying for his safe return. Every sentiment would be illustrated each in the beautifully executed faces of each person chosen to grace the painting.


We cooked hamburgers, sausages and beans, which we forgot about and left sitting on the back burner; we opened wine, chilled beer and soft drinks, and the people came. They were friends and family, some from many years ago and some he had just seen hours ago, it didn't matter they were here to wish him well. People asked when he was leaving and where he would go, for how long..... much was unspoken in his presence. WHY????? and stuff like that. A few folks took me aside to ask how I felt or to offer reassurances. Some told me the stories of their own service or their sons or daughters deployment and the great relief when they came home safely. They shared of the growing up that happens and the maturity. Others were discreetly honest about their doubts . I concluded this is just one of the many things we do during these time as a people and as Americans.

So now it is December 23rd 2011, the tree is up the house is ready for Christmas, brisket and ham are in the fridge ready to be eaten on Christmas Day, new recipes will be baked and too much food will be eaten. And there will be the lingering of Monday at noon when he does more than head out for a new job or go to school far away, he will become an Air Force Special forces soldier. He will still be my son even my little boy in my heart. He will become who he is looking to be, to fulfill his calling.

Write that Christmas letter???

Where do I begin? Everyone has a computer story and the more basic your knowledge the bigger the horror, I wont bore you except to say I think I saved some pictures of the boat ...I will try to include here. Wish Me luck. OK there they are! 3 of these are artist renderings I accidentaly erased one so now there are only 2 of what the boat is supposed to look like when finished.

Then there is one of the "Actual build" taken in October of 2011. Yes there is still a way to go but progress is happening and the date of launch is somewhere in March, April or May . David spent 3 months up there in the summer/fall of 2010 and will go back up in February to help move things along faster.

So as Christmas and Year end updates go here is mine from the Texas Balfour's.

Quickly, things that happened ...we sold the McCormick Mt House and moved in 36 days, SO as of April 28 2011 the new address has been 10008 Liriope Cove Austin 78750. forwarding mail is up in April of 2012 so please write it down...

We remodeled the kitchen in the new house and are enjoying the "new" island, appliances and granite counter tops.

David retired from URS and is either home or at the boat full time. this would require a book to review....

My Mom passed away in July. As many of you know who have lost parents...how it is to really miss someone. Mom had a sweet smile and gentle ways. My sister Debbie, our Aunt Ginny and I have been dealing with the missing her at the Holiday Table, the memories brought on when we see a picture or something that belonged to her; and even the occasional sniff of her fragrance from a sweater or scarf we each may have kept to keep her memory close. Love you mom.

My 3 boys, daughter in law Erin and Grands are all well. I have taken on a second day of the week as Nana, and feel so lucky to be involved in my their lives. They are truly little for too short a time. Something I think Grand parents get more than moms and dads...The new saying I just read and adopted the days are long... but the years are short!


Evan has reviewed his life and decided to join the Air Force, he leaves the end of December.

We have mixed feelings but are proud of him...

So to everyone reading this and to your families...
Merry Christmas and Happy Happy days weeks and years to come.

Here I borrow a few lines from Joyce Rupp as she wrote in "Out of the ordinary"

"May the coming year be one of Good health for you. May you have energy and vitality. May you care well for your body, mind and spirit. May you keep your eye on the Star within you and trust [H]is luminescent presence to guide and direct you each day. May you go to the Bethlehem of your heart and visit the one who offers you peace. May you bring peace to this world."

I pray for you that 2012 will be prosperous and enriching in all the ways that matter most.


And last but not least I enclose a pic of the grandchildren because they make us so happy we have to share...

Love Cindy

Live for the day

The Happiness project is winding it's way into my life and my thoughts. A story I read recently about a mom walking her daughter to the bus, everyday, and then the moment of realization; that it wasn't a duty on the calendar for certain number of days to be endured; but a limited gift to be treasured. The walk to the bus was the precious moment for the memory.

How many times will I miss the gift because I am in a hurry to do something else?

Today I got up early and washed my hair and fixed my self up for a Tuesday date with my grand children. We will need to set some small expectations for today and be ready to handle any plan "b" that may come along; but a date it is. And I know with some sadness that there won't be many more. They are growing so fast they are moving on in their life in a way that cannot nor should not be prevented. My privileges have limits that must be respected and wisely treasured.

join

My youngest son decided about a month or so back that he wanted to join the military. He explored the Coast Guard and the Air Force and chose the AirForce. I am proud of his initiative and stamina and integrity. He has fashioned a life for himself after a high school career where he had almost no friends or "not good to be around" friends. He was made fun of and hassled, teased until he joined the football trainers where he learned to wrap ankles and wrists and have the bench ready before the game started so all things would be nearby to refresh thirsty tired players. The only thing that kept the team from teasing the death out of him was a rule. no hassling the trainers or any other support groups, ie fans cheerleaders etc. it was a rule that was upheld; it allowed him to work in confidence even if he knew there might be opinions that he might not want to hear about from the "cool guys on the team. Graduation was like rebirth suddenly cool wasn't so darkly classified. He went to train as a firefighter and then worked as a lifeguard. he started working out and became proud of himself. the same kids he sat next to in History class were asking him what high school he went to.

Now he wants to try the Air Force I am proud of him. The tension comes because his oldest brother and usually his biggest fan is totally against it. Primarily because he doesn't want his brother going to the middle east to fight a war that he disagrees with. The tension is heavy when brother is here even when he isn't here he is here in an email phone call.

Lord bring us peace. allow us all to trust in you. Bless Evan and keep him strong.

Seize the day

Peter Pan called it the moment between asleep and awake. Scripture says it is between marrow and bone; the times no woman or man can truly see or define where the Spirit of God comes to speak and to teach.

Taking control can be bad or it can be what God asks of me. Floating through my day wondering if God is there isn't how He has asked me to spend the great time He has given me.

It is so easy for me to think those things that pop into my head just before I wake, are nonsense, not what I am suppose to act on. Yet there are times I have discovered those are the deeds that may allow me to sieze the day and start to become who I am fully called to be.

be true to me....

I am pondering this question , "Is there anything in my life that is a lie?"

Now this is hard for me, because I often wake up, shower, get dressed and make the choice to put on a smile, and a positive attitude and I decide to be happy. My son would argue that if I am pretending to be happy I am lying. I will argue back that I am choosing to be happy. He can't appreciate that I had a huge revelation in the midst of a crisis in my mid 30's; that I can choose to be a grouch , a pessimist or someone who finds fault...or I can choose to smile, be pleasant and see the good in people. I accept that I can choose among these and that it is a choice.

My good day start with being grateful for a new day, not that I am a champion in accomplishing this; but scripture truth often visits the back side of my soul and nudges me toward that which will heal. On those days when I participate in the nudging and thank God for everything even the bad stuff, mean people or the anxiety of moments, I am blessed and lucky because change then starts to happen.

So back to my pondering "is there any part of my life that is a lie?" I suppose there is, simply because I am human, and therefore imperfect. Do I find the lies on my own ? Do I try to correct them or just live with them? May I ask for help? I am choosing at least at this time to ask the Lord's guidance and protection as I move through this search.

I can say I have learned things about my self since the move to town from the lake area. I no longer worry over style and every single piece of my "outfit". ( was I lying to myself before that thinking how I dressed mattered as to how I felt?)

In my new retired life, I have to watch my spending: this means I can't go hang out with friends and sip on 4.00 cups of coffee everyday or even once a week, unless the occasion is special. No more stopping off for a salad ( brown bagging it these days..) No more indiscriminant buying that really cute item. My new life is lists and planning and watching the budget. This is hard for me to learn a new, better habit and not come across as a scrooge. I'm working on it. But is it embedded in a lie.

Now there are 2 adult children living with us. Now that might be one to ponder....

move on

OK so I got this thing going on, I called people, met with people,. I thought I was helping! I was communicating! Just as things were wrapping up or so I thought, 2 people met and made a decision. So now I get to scrap everything.... SHIT happens right? I have e-expressed my thoughts regarding the sudden rug dislocation. Then I read this ...

Griping that, "This is wrong!" means "I could do this better!" Or it can mean, "Don't they know I deserve better?" The complainer feels slighted by what has transpired because he or she wishes to be seen as superior.People comfortable with who they are, don't need to gripe about others to make themselves feel or appear superior.

OOOO KAY! SO things have changed and I am obviously not in charge.....

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Move on girl! aren't you busy enough with out making more work for yourself.

stop squirming

I feel like I spend a good deal of my conscious time, what ever it is I am doing, I am relying on God to be there for me, to guide me in decisions, to put His hand over my mouth if need be, so I don't say anything in appropriate.

I forget allot, that's why I apologize allot; and sometimes I just squirm, because I don't want to do what I have been told to do. So how to get over the squirms and walk headlong with out fear into that event or conversation, The one I do not want to go to? I have to rely on God.

I just read this quote from Tammy Evevard : "Long before any other words were spoken to us, “You are mine” was spoken to the depths of our hearts. And this is why we pray—to hear that voice again"— from Becoming the Woman God Made You to Be

So in addition to prayer she also advocates keeping tabs on all the times God has been there. When or where He answered my longing guided my behavior. These are the things that keep us going and believing and remembering, bringing us strength through reminders, so I continue to rely, and stop squirming.

love the boat

David's dream is to cruise around the world n his own boat. He has been collecting information, designing, and he is now deep into the building of this boat. appropriately named "Full Circle" He wants me to go along; SO I am planning to do this. He knows every inch of this boat every screw every turn how much room is on both sides of a wall. I know the names of the rooms. At first it was on paper I couldn't really get a feel so he would cut shapes out of paper and measure things on the floor so I could see them. Now there "is" a boat, almost in the water and I see the actual.

It is small, not luxurious but nice; but I have had input on color selection and I feel a little like I might be able to hang out aboard. In allot of ways it is like a really small second house and in other ways it is like moving into my closet and calling it my house.

That is my dealing with it on land inside an old airplane hanger where it is being built. I have no idea how I will look at it, or like it, when it is bobbing me around on the water.

count the change

Growing up in Central Florida I walked allot, I wore everyday shoes that are now way over priced, we called them flip flops...and tried to be honest and responsible. My Dad showed me how to write my first check, how to make change and how to count my change. He said always do it before you leave. These days it seems no one counts their change.

Then there is change that needs to be counted carefully and in due time, the change that makes a difference and the change that is just different.

Just this morning I was challenged to stop doing the same thing over and over and expect different results. This is by definition "insanity"

As I reflect I can make myself crazy by worrying over changes that don't really matter.

When my insurance claim process changed I thought it was wrong and not going to work , then a wise friend said it isn't wrong it is just different. When I bought a new dishwasher with the silverware holder on the door I was delighted with this change but my family was not. I was quick to point out it wasn't wrong just different.

Change is about looking at what can be different as a result of an occurrence, staying sane is the tricky part, because I want to avoid any change that scares me or makes me nervous. How will I look at the change or the potential for change and have the courage to make the necessary adjustments.

stop looking for excuses

And His disciples asked Him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?"

In the book of John Chapter 9 and again in Matthew reference is made to sin being punished by physical affliction in life.

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”

So many times I am drawn into a discussion about worthiness. Who deserves sympathy or help, to have a bill paid or to be fed, arguing over food, imagine that.... In Jesus time they argued over the right/wrong day to help. "never on the Sabbath" or who was clean enough to help.

My former boss and mentor told me many times over, 1/3 of those in need will never get out because they are incapable; maybe in illness or incapacitation, we must help them, 1/3 of those in need got there through unfortunate circumstances, maybe their own fault maybe not, and they will make their way out...we are called to help them. 1/3 of those in need are working the system, shame on them, but since we don't have a crystal ball we help them too and offer our inadequacy up to God.....

Was this blaming the blind man for his plight not just an excuse to refuse him help, or empathy? Is mankind not drowning itself by constantly complaining about carrying the burden of others sins of blaming rather than fixing the problem...?

We are called to the kingdom of God, are we not, by being of service to each other.

Remember

In the book of Luke chapter 18 verse 11 there is a prayer. It reads

'God, I thank you that I am not like other people: thieves, rogues, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give a tenth of all my income.' But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even look up to heaven, but was beating his breast and saying, 'God, be merciful to me, a sinner!' I tell you, this man went down to his home justified rather than the other; for all who exalt themselves will be humbled, but all who humble themselves will be exalted."

When all my efforts in life fail, and they often do, there is this one simple prayer, I ask God that I be able to remember it at least once a day if not more....

When actually spoken aloud it puts life in perspective in an amazing way. A "God Thing" I guess, where anger melts and judgements, and opinions seem to be just less important...

This prayer puts me in a place where I can if I choose to, move forward to help and follow my call to be of assistance or empower others and not live in angst if this is the right thing to do or not.

This grace miraculously happens no matter who the president of the United States is or what slanderous words or terms are flung about by one group to blame another group for our own weaknesses and fears.

Lord have Mercy on me a sinner, has now become the Jesus prayer, Lord Jesus have mercy on me a sinner.

be an energizer bunny

We do indeed have a great God. and a great challenge to move through life. We are charged to press on to find energy that sometimes just doesn't seem to be there.

Pride is hard on us when we think we know ourselves and God reveals to us something new, I have to swallow back the first view of me and enter into the new.

Retirement is interesting. my husband has left the office, the paycheck, and come home. Now he is off boat building in order to follow a dream he has had for several years. In this process of changing from work -at the office -aholic to work not at the office - aholic...He now has an opinion on all things household, things I researched and made decisions about years ago he now has an opinion on..I don't think that I have energy for this...

He can have an opinion of course but I don't have to jump and change everything because of it.
Energy is interesting...I need it to move and get things done I need it to decide to do things, I need it and it makes me mad that it is so darn hard.

It needs to be there and I need to make a conscious decision to access it.

This topic almost naturally leads on to one on diet and exercise, but I feel it must pass through a discussion of courage and prayer as well. One side fails when the other doesn't hold up it's end....

leave off the forward

I have said before I am blessed with many awesome friends. A few of them from time to time have become addicted to the forward option on their email, You may have seen their stuff, it's cute little pictures of babies dressed like ....well you get the picture right. And you know they or the person before them adds some verbage from an older email, misattributing a quote from Ghandi to Mother Teresa or what ever... and maybe there's music and a few threats about life ending or Jesus not being there when they need Him... and VIOLA there is a forward that will go around the world.

My forwards are different.I don't send the prefab cute, or the chain letter; but I have felt I am sharing pertinent information. It might be political, health related, prayer requests, or even local news that I read or receive from email and I SHARE it.

I was recently advised by a dear friend that even though my intentions are good...the forwards are still piling up in the inboxes of many grumbling friends. SO in the spirit of taking it on the chin and learning from my mistakes, I will not forward. News articles, videos, commentary, local announcements etc. to my email list. ok? ok! I promise to try anyway.......but family photos have to be exempt...

However, please don't think for even one minute, that I don't want forwards, timely videos and commentary , I love this stuff. You see, I have a "delete button" and I am not afraid to use it.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WytNkw1xOIc maybe check this out.
Send me some of you as information....

Get Started!

I have just checked one thing off my list; When am I ever going to get with it and start a blog.

I have to say I am quite blessed to have many friends, some are tremendously dynamic people and do amazing things. I wonder sometimes if I have done all I am called to do; and at other times I wonder if I have tried to do too much.

My niece called the other evening to ask me a question about teaching reading. I haven't taught a child to read in 30 years. I am reflecting about what a noble thing it is to bring the world of books to another person and the power to break open endless ideas and opinions. I felt a reawakening of excitement just while talking to her and offering a few ideas so she could pull them together and create her own first lesson plan. The experience brought new energy to me, energy to be used how? not just to generate ideas for her, not to go back into teaching, but what is it for? I don't want to waste it and I really don't want to loose it.

My life is changing profoundly, retirement, life in a new location, loss of my routine, loss of my mom, living on savings rather than income; and, I have lost a grip on who I am and how I am me. So where does that leave me?