Having a doctrine pass before the mind is not what the Bible means by knowing the truth. It's only when it reaches down deep into the heart that the truth begins to set us free, just as a key must penetrate a lock to turn it, or as rainfall must saturate the earth down to the roots in order for your garden to grow.

"Behold, you desire truth in the innermost being" (Ps. 51:6 NASB). Getting it there is the work of the stream we'll call Counseling.

Glad I read this today, something to ponder. I have come to believe that anyone who truly wants truth wil not be left out. But we just can't know everything it is too much.

Renew

I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear. But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. (John 16:12-13)

I awoke Sunday to thunder and lightening, and slept lightly while  much needed rain fell.

On my way to church I observed how the rain even as small amount as it was was renewing the ground the grass, the trees and I thought of how gloomy it had to be for that to take place. So I decided to embrace the gloom knowing the promise it would bring.

The readings were among my my favorites, reminding us to think of the promise, then came the homily which awoke my all too early morning reverie. The children at Sandy Hook School in Newton Ct.

This reflection was started yesterday and accidentally erased, I almost let it go but now I cannot. I am going to struggle to put this together and may never feel successful. I still struggle.

feel certain

It is a soft and delicate moment, that first light!

Erasing the dark of night into daylight. that promise fulfilled

Whether bright and blinding or

only a tiny brightness peeking out of the scene.

The sooner in the day it is seem

The more certain you can be of what it truly is

No confederates to spoil the effect.

But no matter when you verify it,

It is true joy, the light of a new day.

reply to sender

I too find myself dealing with unmet expectations all the time. This is often via my children but occasionally my spouse. I hate that the burden is always on me to make my expectations known, but I have to admit it does make life easier. If I want them to be at an event I have to make an announcement…sigh. Christmas Mass comes to mind….

And I am also comforted by the Sparrow song, I remember that I am going to feel alone often in this world because of this ongoing scenario of broken relationships; but I am not alone ever Christ is there But the burden is on me to see this. That is perhaps the grander message. Thank you friend.

What a friend we have in Jesus.

I am amazed and often confounded at how simple it is to take 2 seconds and tell Him what I am feeling. I feel all alone, overwhelmed, like I might cry. that I have no drive or no energy.  That I want to do one good thing today, that I don't want to argue or disappoint those I love.  Most amazing is I share this from the bottom of a mucky pond lying on my back, barely able to see the sky. The request  these days isn't a sub text in the mayhem; but my voice to the universe.

Realize, God doesn't hold back...

Surrender outside of faith masquerades as a humble first act followed by a humiliating finale; In Faith I allow myself to fathom that God is crazy in love with me than surrender seems like the only thing that can make sense. I do not believe that the God who created us out of love could hold back anything good from us even if he wanted to. He loves us and puts all good things for us to see and experience. He also sits with us , walks with us, cries with us, and rests with us when life deals us a fair or unfair consequence.

Lord you have searched me and you know me, you know when I sit and when I stand, you know when I am going to speak and what I am going to say; even if I run from you and hide you are with me.

Forgetting you are loved is one level of loneliness, not believing you are loved is unbearable. We all simply need to be reminded, and need to pay attention to His reminders in the beauty of creation the changing seasons and the lives of everyone around us.

original blogged 4-5-12

turn all to God?

Why did God curse Eve with loneliness and heartache, an emptiness that nothing would be able to fill? Wasn't her life going to be hard enough out there in the world, banished from the Garden that was her true home, her only home, never able to return? It seems unkind. Cruel, even.
He did it to save her. For as we all know personally, something in Eve's heart shifted at the fall. Something sent its roots down deep into her soul - and ours - that mistrust of God's heart, that resolution to find life on our own terms. So God has to thwart her. In love, he has to block her attempts until, wounded and aching; she turns to him and him alone for her rescue.
Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes;
I will wall her in so she cannot find her way.
She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Hosea 2:6-7
Jesus has to thwart us too - thwart our self-redemptive plans, our controlling and our hiding, thwart the ways we are seeking to fill the ache within us. Otherwise, we would never fully turn to him for our rescue. Oh, we might turn to him for our "salvation," for a ticket to heaven when we die. We might turn to him even in the form of Christian service, regular church attendance, a moral life. But inside, our heart remains broken and captive and far from the One who can help us.
And so you will see the gentle, firm hand of God in a woman's life hemming her in. Wherever it is we have sought life apart from him, he disrupts our plans, our "way of life" which is not life at all.
(Captivating, 96-97)

Loneliness, Sadness, yes but not necessarily Unhappiness?  Interesting. I wondered about the question why aren't you happy? I can honestly say I am, that's not the issue I have much, I make a point to be grateful for everything good and bad, and this allows me happiness. It doesn't always work to dispel sadness. Joy is back in there but only dimly flickering, It rekindles when Gods work becomes evident.

Trusting God to provide my needs (more than enough) not necessarily my wants, helps undo the sadness and the loneliness.  The loneliness, no one to talk to about these feelings is hard.

choices vs surrender

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..."
-Dr. Seuss

I hear that song You've Got The Power playing in my head. The message that screams like a gong against the calling to surrender.

Each morning as I awake I think through the grog in my brain, take this day use it well give all to God. This is not about control, anymore than surrender is about being lazy.
Meet the morning and make a plan. My better days start like this, Pray, eat, exercise, be somewhere I promised I would be, repair something, learn something, improve something question, change, enjoy...these are not lazy attitudes, in the business the surrender is in there too. With my 2 feet and my brain I can make choices I can begin to steer my lifes ship.

understand!

"Paul, known at that time as Saul, was playing the role of Defender of the Faith, when in fact he was a Persecutor of Christ".

I read this today and was struck with a sadness at how often I would or did try to do good, maybe for God, maybe just altruistically, maybe even selfishly; and I can look back on the deed the motivation and the outcome and wonder who's side I was really on?

I read how it is not about what I can do for God or even about what God can do for me, but just about the relationship, For the original human God relationship that is the only thing capable of healing the wound.

I read to Be Thankful in all Things: Thank you God for everything, for this Day you have made, for laughter, for crying, for children, for old people, and yes even for sick and suffering people. For the grass and the weeds, For the sun for the rain the dry cracked land and the wet swamp and even flooding. For freedom and for confinement. for the known and for the unknown....I do not understand all this but maybe someday I will.

The Scriptures say we cannot know all things because they are too terrible, The world says inquiring minds want to know! My experience tells me it isn't good to poke around when I have been told to let it go; after all Lots wife turned to salt. I myself have learned things terrible things, things that changed me, things I wished I could forget?

Isn't there a children's tale that climaxes as the hunting party wakes up a big bear that then chases everyone home through the exact paces, up down over and under , they used to get to the bear. On reflection maybe there is an answer buried there somewhere.


Faith is believing with out seeing and knowing without proof. Thank you God for all things seen and not seen, known and unknown.




Jesus, strengthen me in supporting those in our society who are vulnerable; help me live patiently with my own weaknesses. As I walk in your way, I extend my hands to others so that together we can form a safety net. Amen.

— from Eucharistic Adoration

recognize his works

Why Peter Took a Swim in His Bathrobe

A week or two after the foot washing, following the cross and the empty tomb, Jesus appears on the shore just across from where the boys are fishing. He acts like a guy out for a stroll, asks if they had any luck, suggests they try one more spot, and reproduces the catch that caught them all in the beginning. Watch how Peter responds this time:

The disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord!” As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, “It is the Lord,” he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water. (John 21:7)

Peter is a hundred yards offshore. That’s about three city blocks—a long way to swim, especially in a full-length robe. It would be like trying to swim wrapped in a bedsheet. Peter doesn’t care. He doesn’t wait for the boat, forgets about the fish, and as quick as you can say, “Jack be nimble” he hits the water, swimming, thrashing, gasping for air, then stumbling ashore fast as he can to get to Jesus. Do you think he then drew another line in the sand? “Hello, sir. Mr. Christ, may I approach?” Peter is a passionate, emotional, impulsive guy. He just swam a hundred yards in his bathrobe. I’ll bet dollars to donuts he ran right up to Jesus, sopping wet as laundry from the washer, and hugged him, soaking the risen Lord.
If Peter didn’t do it, you know Jesus did, adding his tears of joy to the wet embrace.
Beautiful. That’s the way to do it, friends. Just begin to make a practice of loving Jesus. Relate to him as you see his friends did in the Gospels.
(Beautiful Outlaw, 170-171)


Once again these reflections so simply put into everyday terms the love that is available if I can just learn to see it. Peter recognized the works of Jesus he was so familiar with the lord that he and John together at once caught the nuance of the message they had been hearing all along from Jesus. . Peter leaped int the water and swam to Jesus while the others brought in the boat. Was one better or more right? The actions are only part of what I must analyze, I must also ask for the grace to recognize the works of the Lord and then return to him with my love and my praise when I do.


Lord I pray you would open my eyes and my heart to see you working in every day life. That I might not be shy in coming to you that very moment and enjoying your presence and your love.

share love

When sharing my faith, Jesus is to be my model. He always loved and had compassion for the unbeliever.

I need to be All In, when it comes to my faith. I must have faith to believe even in times of unbelief.

When can this happen? Do I decide to share or not?

As this is taking place am I aware?

Who's faith is this anyway? Do I decide or does God place this into me?

God will meet me where I am and guide me to where he wants me. "

"Belief in Jesus is a miracle produced only by the effectiveness of redemption, not by impressive speech, nor by wooing and persuading, but only by the sheer unaided power of God."

get there

I guess there are just going to be days like today where I wonder where it is I am going. this is a side of the boat ramp going into the water of the Columbia River at tongue point. Sort of like how I feel like I am going but not yet there. I have been in the in between in varying degrees for several years now so I guess I have to admire God for settling me in slowly. The boat is making progress but I am not sure what that means in terms of when it will be complete. We hope 4 weeks. In that time it will be the end of September and the possible approach of winter storms.

If we can get this boat into the water and headed out to sea safely than we can plan the next months to be the adventurers.

I just feel like I have a very small world right now. The town, the boat shop, ( the guys who work on the boat) the church on Sundays. and there are one or two people at each that I know on sight maybe by name. I noticed last Sunday the lady we buy fish from has become very friendly asked how our fish was from last time etc. She smiles and actually acts like she knows us. What will that be like on a boat for days on end.?

I have my computer and a few projects, email, and bane of my existence right now the elections. I think I will be most glad to be away from that.

God grant me serenity to know what it is I need to focus on.

seek God

The Lord Upholds my life,
no matter what happens, If I turn to the Lord and honestly
give all of myself to him he will be there for me, as promised, always.

The Lord upholds my life,
In that delicate balance between neediness and self sufficiency he is there.

The Lord Upholds my life,
The Jews who trusted in Yahweh and went through daily life trusting God and living a good life were not forgotten.
Yahweh rescued them.

I think I am beginning to see a slight difference between being saved and being rescued.
The doorway that holds the answers slips open in a soft breeze, for just a moment and reveals a light to let me see, then it is closed again; not a hard closure. It just slipped shut If I am patient it will open again and I can have another look.

From age to age you gather a people to yourself, so that from east to west a perfect sacrifice may be made. Every day at Every hour a Mass is being celebrated with those who are gathered.

step out of the culture wars

I have been so troubled by the current and personal levels of political rhetoric, sometimes referred to as the culture wars.   The closer the date for the election comes, the more fierce is the dialogue, the more polarized the community becomes.   People get caught up in emotion.


In an election there must be a winner and I think some people may actually feel it best defines them to know who the winner is. This stays strangely true no matter who is elected. 

I  have believed forever that every story has two sides, I once rested my soul in that balance that there was truth somewhere hanging in the middle, sort of like a hidden Easter  egg or maybe a pinata.  That unfortunately doesn't bring me comfort any more because I now realize the problem is with these exact words [two sides]. If it is really two and only two opposing sides then there is at the end of the analysis a broken egg or pinata, a right and a wrong, good and bad;  and of late who is Holy and who is Evil.     Have we somewhere in all the mess let the politics of our time define the truth of our faith life and vice versa.   


Now  so many of us are upset because winds of political change are moving through our religious beliefs, beginning to tell people of faith, we have to change who we are and what we believe, because there are (according to popular pollsters] more people who believe something different. Popular media tries to say the members define the community of faith rather than the other way around. If popular belief was followed at the time of Christ then people would be worshiping Elijah or John the Baptist.


Christianity isn't a platform reminds The Outpatient Monk, Douglas Harrison.  The Christianity I know is a journey of people to God through Jesus, it is also a compilation of all our identities it is both who we all are, and it is each of us and each of our stories. It is dangerous territory when someone starts
linking our Christianity and holiness with our political platform.

Grafitti somewhere said Christians aren't perfect just forgiven, But I know deep in my heart that we aren't the only ones who meet that criterion. God is not a Catholic and he is not a Republican nor a Democrat. Jesus walked among us and told us to give to Ceasar what belonged to Ceasar, but to Give to God that which belonged to God; that being us. No person belongs to the political process or to a political party we belong to God. We are here to love each other and care for each other.  I just want to see it so I can act like it

get with Life

The Offer Is Life
What did Jesus mean when he promised us life? I go back to the source and what I find is just astounding. I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. (Psalm 27:13) I tell you the truth," Jesus said to them, "no one who has left home or wife or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God will fail to receive many times as much in this age, and, in the age to come, eternal life" (Luke 18:29-30). Jesus doesn't locate his offer to us only in some distant future, after we've slogged our way through our days here on earth. He talks about a life available to us in this age. So does Paul: "[G]odliness has value for all things, holding promise both for the present life and the life to come" (1 Timothy 4:8). Our present life, and the next. When we hear the words "eternal life," most of us have tended to think, "a life that waits for me in eternity." But eternal means unending, not later. The scriptures use the term to mean you can never lose it. It's a life that can't be taken from you. The offer is life and that life startsnow. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives (Romans 6:4 NLT). The glory of God is man fully alive? Now? Hope unbidden rose at the thought that God's intentions towards me might be better than I thought. His happiness and my happiness are tied together? My coming fully alive is what he's committed to? That'sthe offer of Christianity? The offer is life. Make no mistake about that. (Waking The Dead , 11, 12) Ransomehearts.com

So OK,  I don't see "Happiness" specifically spelled out like once I accept Eternal Life I am always happy forever....because that would be false theology. There needs to be something more supportive maybe even restful maybe about life going on now.

The surrender thing? Will that bring what I need to achieve the eternal life here now.
Am I more fully alive after I surrender? hmmm I'm usually more joyful, more open.

I am more fully alive because Christ was raised from the dead. It is a life that cannot be taken from me, but somehow I seem capable of misplacing it, or maybe giving it a back seat. Bring me more fully alive Oh Christ!

Unwind

This is not the way it is supposed to be, We are not supposed to be without God. God came to delight in us, and in return we will delight in Him.

His Spirit is here I believe this, so why do I feel so alone.

 David is home now for another month or so, spending one or two days a week reconnecting with friends,  He will go back to the boat in January to the mess that is constantly generating, the people who constantly tell half truths. I shudder at this. I vowed my support and so it goes.

The letting go thing is my task, but I can not just let go of everything so I have to see it as allowing myself to be unwound. Slowly the tightness of things I have controlled is slipping out becoming looser and moving away out of my grip. As this happens I feel like I am reviewing old moments of foolishness, old mistakes, I want to jump up and explain but that isn't part of it.  I need to have faith in what not to say. When not to speak, When I do not need to know.

I try to move forward with my life and be better but feel like a character in a movie who has just agreed to reform and I have no where to begin.

What will the day hold Lord? Will others need me and will I see it and respond appropriately;  or will I just be waiting here like my old dog just sleeping in her chair, waiting for some one to call me loud enough that I hear and respond.

Feel this moment

What will I ever become in this moment...

Please, let me see the secrets that are locked up on this day.
Allow me a minute of understanding,
A pause, a clarity.
Everything seems so shadowed so unclear, like I am in a fog so lost
I cannot even find my balance.

Let me know something this day oh God
So I can swallow
So I can stand up and find a direction
Let me hear just enough
that I can find you
in each encounter, each person,
each moment, each deed.

If darkness is not to win
Let me know
send your light to burn out the fog and
show me where I am today
where my brother and sister are
what do they need that
I may be some small comfort

Let me know some small thing of youI cannot be the one in charge
I am lost
I am without direction
my map is full of holes
I follow my own directions and I crash
I fall over every cliff trip over every log
slide helplessly down every slope

Let me know something this day Oh God.

get the one liners...

Just when I thought I couldn't stand to hear one more political comment here comes Paul.

1Cor 3:1-9
Brothers and sisters,
I could not talk to you as spiritual people,
but as fleshly people, as infants in Christ.
I fed you milk, not solid food,
because you were unable to take it.
Indeed, you are still not able, even now,
for you are still of the flesh.
While there is jealousy and rivalry among you,
are you not of the flesh, and walking
according to the manner of man?
Whenever someone says, "I belong to Paul," and another,
"I belong to Apollos," are you not merely men?

What is Apollos, after all, and what is Paul?
Ministers through whom you became believers,
just as the Lord assigned each one.
I planted, Apollos watered, but God caused the growth.
Therefore, neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything,
but only God, who causes the growth.
He who plants and he who waters are one,
and each will receive wages in proportion to his labor.
For we are God's co-workers;
you are God's field, God's building.

Jealousy and rivalry and ugliness it seems like our country is doomed.
There are so many lies and deceit. There is no right way to turn ones loyalty.

Here Paul tells me to get over myself because it is all about the Lord God.

It is God who will cause the growth,

we are only God's coworkers!   Most of the time he doesn't need us anyway.

I can't believe how quickly I get swept onto a bandwagon,
I know how hard I try to stay off.

Where are the pithy sayings for these Godly beliefs?
Why no one liners?
no 1% or
the other 98% 
what does it all mean anyway?
Can I possibly make any difference!
Please Lord, give me the wisdom and patience to look for your love, 
and bless me if you desire to serve as a citizen of your kingdom and as an American.
I ask for wisdom to look for your ways when I know the answer is between the lines
in the fraction of a percent, in the hearts and service to
 those forgotten.

Today I read this prayer from Father Mychal Judge a priest and firefighter who died in 9/11

“Lord, take me where you want me to go; 

let me meet who you want me to meet; 

tell me what you want me to say; 

and keep me out of your way.”

Get on with...

There is a line in a storybook, that goes "Could this go on all Day and Night? It could you know and it just might!" Why is it some things like this just stick in my head? God's Comic relief I am hoping. (Stop That Ball by Mike McClintock)

Why is it when there is something unnerving or unpleasant to be done I find myself procrastinating, weighing all the scenarios, when really the answer should be who cares just get it done. or else it will indeed drag on all day and night.

1 Cor 2:10b-16

Brothers and sisters:
The Spirit scrutinizes everything, even the depths of God.
Among men, who knows what pertains to the man
except his spirit that is within?
Similarly, no one knows what pertains to God except the Spirit of God.
We have not received the spirit of the world
but the Spirit who is from God,
so that we may understand the things freely given us by God.
And we speak about them not with words taught by human wisdom,
but with words taught by the Spirit,
describing spiritual realities in spiritual terms.

Now the natural man does not accept what pertains to the Spirit of God,
for to him it is foolishness, and he cannot understand it,
because it is judged spiritually.
The one who is spiritual, however, can judge everything
but is not subject to judgment by anyone.

For "who has known the mind of the Lord, so as to counsel him?"
But we have the mind of Christ.

I think when I worry or procrastinate I am living as the natural me and not in the spiritual me.
In trusting God I can be the real me God has created me to be. Only God knows the depth of me,

get back home

I just made a plane reservation to go back home to Austin to see my grandchildren. I am light headed and happy with a pit of butterflies in my stomach.


I have become more aware of nerves or dread whenever I make plans and fix them in place. It is like I discover this dark thing off in the background of my plans. It can be huge sometimes like a wide still lake, or like a big puddle covering a street intersection dark and mysterious, It leaves me feeling strange and off balance like I have forgotten something or cheated someone. Is it the same for anyone entering the unknown? What is so funny, when I was much younger anything different was exhilarating I never worried about how things might change, I loved change....like a junkie!

It is amazing today how this one small change feels like it adds or takes away color in my world. I had been thinking this wasn't possible to make this trip; but then like I had this a tap on my shoulder I decided to start praying that if this could work out that it would, and amazingly it has.

Philipians

Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.

Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. ⁶

Keep on doing what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me. Then the God of peace will be with you. ⁷

⁸ I rejoice greatly in the Lord that now at last you revived your concern for me. You were, of course, concerned about me but lacked an opportunity.

Not that I say this because of need, for I have learned, in whatever situation I find myself, to be self-sufficient.

I know indeed how to live in humble circumstances; I know also how to live with abundance. In every circumstance and in all things I have learned the secret of being well fed and of going hungry, of living in abundance and of being in need.

I have the strength for everything through him who empowers me.

When has the world knowingly changed? Almost never , we just don't know what is going to happen. I ask myself often why didn't any one know about this or that...

I have a heightened sense that I have left disappointment in the wake of my plan. but WHY? My husband has offered numerous times to let me go visit. This time it was my request and not his offer but he said sure. Why do I feel so uneasy? Do I always have to have show girls singing and dancing so I know I am OK that I did the right thing?

The boat progresses, I am truly excited and happy and scared. I am also deeply sensing David's apprehension. He doesn't dare allow himself to get excited about completion. I really sense it is near. The boat I have realized is really a huge puzzle that until our project only existed on paper. There isn't a manual of what to do when, that is why we are so very grateful for John Shaw the company owner and builder. He is the one with all the knowledge in his head. We build a part and hook it with a previous part. If that doesn't work he has a whole list of ways to try and make it work out. So far there have been delivery delays and missed worker who are ill that has slowed the project down


I remember watching Jesse James build cars on a TV show, and there was this thing if the car didn't start when they were done, he blew it up. How crazy is that.

The boat will get finished. All will be well we will sail. And in the mean time with my trip back to Austin I will be making lists of things I just can't live without; and plan to hug my grands to pieces. I will be there for William's Birthday, I can maybe watch one of his soccer games and pick Layla up from school and visit my friends for coffee. Oh excitement.

Rejoice in the Lord!

my old life

Sometimes I just want my old life back,
before the house sold and we moved, before retirement.
I think I knew myself better than.

It is very different now, not bad, but very different.
I find myself in spaces where I don't know what I can do.
Why is that?

My choices to sit in a chair, sit on a bed, sit on a couch...
How is this space different from where I was before.

Partly I know it is because it isn't mine. I can't control it.
Outside it is cool not the hot I am used to.
The same 3 pair of jeans rerun over and over
An occasional capri or something long in another fabric...

Who would be grateful for my life.

I ask the Lord to come with me on this journey.
I ask to see the light he has put in my path. I ask to be strong.

Faith and freedom

God is going to take care of us, whether or not we can see down the road. He will not let us walk in darkness and leave us there alone. He will not let us walk to a place and abandon us.

— from Hiking the Camino

So why do I fear this? I am somewhat ashamed to admit it is the peanut gallery that holds me back! Even if only by perceived voices or comments that are playing old tapes in my sub conscious, it can still sometimes make me hesitate or just avoid completely. When I ignore this panel of accusers; believing that God has it all together and will keep me, I falter again and am tempted to question myself forever afterwards.

"Relationships don't thrive because the guilty are punished but because the wounded are merciful. --@MaxLucado"

Write to mom?

Somewhere I read it is important to write everyday, even if it is just a letter.
Then that made me think about how many times I would have called mom, this past year, but can't. I miss that.
So I decided to write my call. Can you do that?
I would say "Hi mom, It's me, Cindy, how are you doing." and after she answered I would tell her what I am doing, That "I walked into town again today and bought some mailing envelopes to send some stuff to the kids." Then I would say, that "what I am sending doesn't even cost as much as the postage will to send it. But I will send it anyway because I need to."  (The voice of my dad saying it is a waste of money will be so far in the distance I will barely notice it.)

I would tell her about how "Layla was sick all last Saturday and had to go to the hospital finally and how my cell phone was right next to my pillow so I could get every update."  Sunday I was in a daze all day.

Would I tell her we washed clothes all day Sunday. nah boring! right.
The Gospel at Mass was the multiplication of Loaves and Fishes, I would tell her that and she would share some thought, That Gospel is one of my favorites. Still it so amazes me that there were 12 baskets left over...

I'd say "I got up the courage to go introduce my self to the pastor, not sure he noticed, ah well."

I would tell her " Kate, my best friend since 5th grade found out her oldest son is going to Afghanistan in January and is getting married before he goes. The wedding will be a quickie at the courthouse with his brother and sister in law as witnesses. A big reception type celebration is planned when he returns. We all have that date to put on our calendars. I think who knows where I will be in a year?" I would retell her their names who was older, who was younger....and we'd chat about my friend Kate for awhile...

Then there would be a boat update, or would there. I don't think I ever really told mom much about the boat. I just figured it would be too hard to help her through all the understandings of why David wants to build one and go out on the ocean. Heck I don't even know if I thought it would happen until he retired about a year ago.

I would tell her "I had to go now, and that I loved her sooo much".

When the call was over I would feel good I had reached out and connected. hmmmm was it connecting or just selfishness?  I rejoice in knowing that somehow in spite of my failings God would turn this to good.

Amen!

fill my days

How do I say I am lonely? Maybe it comes out in how many emails I send or clicks to share on FB. I manage ok! I walk, I read, I try to have things to do. WHAT did I do back in Austin, I had friends to call and activities dogs to walk and my grand children; there was a lot going on and there was always my volunteer work if I needed to feel needed and wanted I had only to drop in to the Thrift Shop.

Now I am almost back in newly wed land. Just my Husband and he is so deeply involved in overseeing the boat build, I walk the Astoria streets and wonder what God has in store. Am I in the right place and at the right time as he wants me to be?

respond to brilliant moments

We are not made for brilliant moments, but we have to walk in the light of them in ordinary ways. O Chambers July 16 reflection


I suddenly think of small children waiting to play soccer on the side of the field, jumping around wanting to play but not having a clue....I think maybe God might see me this way most of the time. I am bugging God or wishing that he might allow me to go save the team and when he turns to call on me I am picking burrs out of my socks....

I am never sure if I am lifting or being lifted!
In reflecting back on my life, I know the value of the influence and involvement of others!

wake up for the journey

I get this daily reflection sent to my email, So beautiful this one. The message I see is that Gods heart full of love is so big even heaven can't define it completely

Life on the road takes us into our heart, for only when we are present in the deep sentences can God speak to them. That's why the Story is a journey; it has to be lived, it cannot simply be talked about. When we face trials, our most common reaction is to ask God, "Why won't you relieve us?" And when he doesn't, we resignedly ask, "What do you want me to do?" Now we have a new question: "Where is the Romance headed?"

There is another great "revealing" in our life on the road. We run our race, we travel our journey, in the words of Hebrews, before "a great cloud of witnesses" (12:1). When we face a decision to fall back or press on, the whole universe holds its breath- angels, demons, our friends and foes, and the Trinity itself- watching with bated breath to see what we will do. We are still in the drama of Act III and the heart of God is still on trial. The question that lingers from the fall of Satan and the fall of man remains: Will anyone trust the great heart of the Father, or will we shrink back in faithless fear?

As we grow into the love of God and the freedom of our own hearts, we grow in our ability to cast our vote on behalf of God. Our acts of love and sacrifice, the little decisions to leave our false loves behind, and the great struggles of our heart reveal to the world our true identity: We really are the sons and daughters of God.(The Sacred Romance , 154-55)

OH MY we really are!

say it ?

I was about to say I have been pondering my motherhood ... Not wondering if I did a good job because I bowed out of that contest many years ago; but wondering what it is that might be "right" in any style of parenting. Most of us want a schedule but most babies just want their mom or dad to be there when they need them, is that the natural order? I seem to want a small schedule and if it serves me it becomes my pattern and helps me have a rhythm. If I was going to encourage a new mom today I would suggest they set up a pattern and find a rhythm that fits with their child's needs.

I want now to connect this pondering to God in my prayers...

The Lord is faithful in all his words,
and gracious in all his deeds.^*
14 The Lord upholds all who are falling,
and raises up all who are bowed down.
¹⁵ The eyes of all look to you,
and you give them their food in due season.
¹⁶ You open your hand,
satisfying the desire of every living thing.
¹⁷ The Lord is just in all his ways,
and kind in all his doings.
¹⁸ The Lord is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.
¹⁹ He fulfills the desire of all who fear him;
he also hears their cry, and saves them.
²⁰ The Lord watches over all who love him,
but all the wicked he will destroy. Ps.145


Perhaps all of creation and humanity have survived not because we are good at rules and order, but because we are ultimately lifted and carried forward, upheld and satisfied by a sacred pattern and rhythm straight from God. I think I wanted that for my children....While everything may indeed tend toward Chaos, it is that unique God designed rhythm and pattern that preserves us.

We struggle to work out who we are and what definition we need at the moment. We are created uniquely by God, given intellect and creativity. While everything else in nature naturally knows only it's order and follows a prescribed path of being a tulip or a butterfly or a frog; we humans have the God given ability to think and choose and maybe because of our free choice to "not follow directions" we put ourselves lost and into the state of being confused.

Our patterns, rhythms, freedom and creativity might just be the best gifts along the path into the very essence of God; and through our experiences with beautiful music, wonderful art, written expression, and any process that deeply touches our hearts, we can catch glimpses. It is the process more that the product that reaches into us.

Our creator God has built into us the ability to search him out. As mom's we can employ, observe and participate in pattern, order, rhythm, freedom, and creativity, but we might best convey God in the experiences.

Believing in Christ is not necessarily the same thing as believing in the Bible. Oswald Chambers sent this message via a reading for May 6th. I am always amazed at how a small truth can come bursting forth to me from the insights of another.

The Bible is the tool that reveals Christ.
How interesting this statement is. I struggle with the Christian witness of others and even my own witness, I hear comments from well meaning prayerful people trying to be on a spiritual journey who say that something isn't biblical...I never quite know where the next part of the statement will go. the Bible is so vast, not one of us no matter how great a scholar can know it all.

We pretend at best when it comes to any of this. Each moment revealed to us by Jesus is our heart truth and often is defies words, Maybe that is why being a disciple is so much work.

figure out this heaven hell purgatory thing?

Easter homily ( Fr. Larry) told us we are all human, we are all mortal, and we are all made by God. And he went on to say how God's desire is to loose no one and He will at the time of each and everyone's death enter the heart of each person and love them into Himself... how ever long that takes. He sort of alluded to this being purgatory!

Divine Mercy Homily ( Fr Luis) he said indeed God is always merciful it is true; but that does not mean we throw up our hands and say anything goes. We must be obedient to God and to the teachings of the church. That indeed there is heaven, hell and purgatory, we must be in obedience to God and the Church to have heaven in us. He spoke of ways we could do this....

When Mass was over, my friend whom I always sit with, turned to me and said "so which is it?"

I remember hearing it explained via the analogy of a glass of coke with a straw. The coke is God's unending Mercy the straw is the route that the Holy Spirit and the life of the church uses to get it to us. Gods mercy is definitely there just like the coke is there in the straw but to take it in to become part of us, we must do our part. I guess we get it by Godly IV when we are actually dying.....

And I read this:

But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit.
(2 Cor. 3:18)

The Glory of God is fully revealed to Christians now today in the Gospels and as we sit in the Bright light of the Gospels contemplating and pondering we become illuminated like a mirror of the Gospel message... now that I can start to wrap myself around.

I am tired of worrying about if someone is going to get something I don't when we're finally up in heaven. or more draining am I going to get something that someone else does not get... I can't even find the energy to contemplate the scorecard mentality anymore and I know if I do it is only in my pride. I must be thinking I have something distinctive to ponder when really I am nothing except what I allow myself to become through Christs work in me. No scorecards! just lots of do overs and unending mercy. Praise God!

admit my choice

Choosing your Cross

I chose to pick up the cross. Is it easy? No. but I think it's made me a better person, it has made me a stronger person. And there comes a point where you can have the condition, or the condition can have you. It doesn't have to be a cross or victimhood.this is from a book titled Moved by Faith edited stories from Catholic Radio.

I am chosen by my adult children as worthy and needed to be watching their children while they go to work. When that early morning comes and I wake up bleary eyed, when there are those moments of crying and trying to push my limits... I am reminded some people live so far away they never even get to see their grandchildren. Some have such bad relationships there is no contact at all. For my many blessings I thank you oh Lord.

be myself

This past weekend has been an eye opener for me. I have felt lost recently like I don’t know who I am anymore. I went to Emmaus for Mass Friday and on to coffee with my old group of friends. I was even blessed with a friend showing up from out of town who also joined us at coffee.

My usual pledge to myself during these events is that I will listen and answer or contribute if asked otherwise I try to keep my opinions out of the fray.
The greetings, introductions and obligatory spilled coffee all happened rather quickly and we settled right in to chat. When the conversation turned to food and health I stuck by my promise to myself. Until for the third time the woman on my right leaned across the table to tell another friend that if she just took some blah blah supplement her life would become wonderful and ordered again. Something in me snapped, I do not know what but I just stood up and said I’ve got to go. I went to the grocery store for some food I had promised to drop off for the weekend retreat at the Church; and by the grace of God wandered back into the coffee shop where my out of town friend sat waiting for me to return because “I was her ride” back over to her car.

How could I have been so selfish, everyone was just annoying me and I really wanted God to just fix this....

Sunday morning as I was reading a SLU commentary on the Sunday readings I suddenly realized I saw pieces of my life in these stories.
Larry Gillick S.J. shares that We pray with a new notion of a God of peace Whose constant labor is for our ongoing creation resulting in peaceful union.
We are bidden also to pray with our eagerness to celebrate the realities of Easter. There is the old Latin phrase, “Hasten, slowly.” We can pray with patience and to linger with these days of waking up to who God says we are in our Baptisms.
We may reflect as well on our need for a Savior, a Jesus to free us. We can pray as well for a deeper sense of the areas of our lives which are not quite living yet.
To pray with Patience? and linger with these days of Waking up to who God Says I am in my Baptism.

I can’t tell you much about the place my soul went upon reading this except it was weightless and tearful.

The story in Chronicles about the exile of the Jews to Babylon for 50 years... enough time for me and my grandchildren to forget who we are...how did they hang on to their identity or maybe it was God who hung on to who they were. Cyrus knew! When he released them he told them to go home...“Whoever, therefore, among you belongs to any part of his people, let him go up, and may his God be with him.”

Then I hear that [I am] his handiwork, created in Christ Jesus for the good works
that God has prepared in advance, that [I] should live in them. I should live knowing or willing to be in the good works Christ has prepared for me!

So a tune from Amy Grant runs through my head “God is in Control” and I realize for the 10 millionth time that “yes” he is.

Nicodemus met Jesus in the dark because he was afraid, maybe outwardly because the authorities who would likely have hurt him or his family. The commentary however links it to shame over sin, that Nicodemus was hiding in the dark from Jesus with all the worldly good reasons and Jesus the Son of God debunks it all.

I still do not know who I am, but I do know I can’t solve the worlds problems with fancy nutrition supplements albeit there are a few I cannot do without.

I don’t know how people hang on to who they are when they aren’t who they thought they were. You see I feel sometimes like I am trying to hang on to a previous self, too much maybe. I can’t give everything up and let everyone else's needs and schedule control my life. I still drive out to Emmaus even when it is a hassle to do it. I drive past St Thomas more and ask myself why????? don’t I just cut the strings. But the few times I have been at STM I don’t feel I am called to make that my home, not just yet anyway...

My life in the lake area is still rather rich my friends very true and very much a part of me. My life around my home is all about my family I hardly know anyone else up here. Maybe all I need to do is work on that.

What will God provide.

contemplate creation

Poverty and humility allow us to contemplate the goodness of God in creation because they make us free to see things for what they are, unique, unrepeatable loved-into-being gifts of God.
Compassion,Living in the Spirit of St. Francis Ilia Delio, O.S.F.

Today I made myself honor a project I started back in the fall. I collected and pondered and googled and finally planted this little garden. I may be learning some simple humility from this little garden of succulents. I love to water and dote on my plants and for these I usually care for them too much... and as if in protest to my hovering they rot their roots and run from me. I will try this time to be patiently hands off, and love them into their potential beauty with just my eyes, to contemplate in my heart what the gift is here. How much help can God's great creation need from me?

I am delightfully thankful for this beauty and the beauty all around me. There are more and more sounds of nature as clouds part, the air warms and winter moves into spring. I hear in scripture that the people of God are impatient and thirsty and longing for water and for the fulfillment. They too require that patience that comes from God.

Christ moves from what appears to be a ho hum life as just a man to Jerusalem where he is revealed as the Messiah, the covenant promise the full revelation of God. Let me Lord, have the grace and patience to go the whole way with you to be completed by your love and made who you want me to be.

Watching grass grow

I guess Lent because it parallels the end of Winter and beginning of Spring is supposed to conspire in making one anticipate renewal. Lent comes with ashes and fasts and abstinence designed to help us get down to our root reflections... our deepest desires. The grass in my yard was cut really short and all the clippings were bagged, no shortcuts for spring yard readiness, to allow the warmer, promised sun to reach the roots and encourage it to begin growing again. I guess I am looking for that sun, that bright moment something that feels like a move forward. I feel so stuck, and ungrateful.

I read this today:

In Defense of Discontent

By the grace of God, we cannot quite pull it off. In the quiet moments of the day we sense a nagging within, a discontentment, a hunger for something else. But because we have not solved the riddle of our existence, we assume that something is wrong-not with life, but with us. Everyone else seems to be getting on with things. What's wrong with me?



Gerald May says in the Awakened Heart, We are desire. It is the essence of the human soul, the secret of our existence. Absolutely nothing of human greatness is ever accomplished without it. Desire fuels our search for the life we prize. The same old thing is not enough. It never will be.

So I continue to search out the desire of my heart which is to walk with God and rest with God and watch grass grow with God, if that is what He calls me to do

Breathe out

Sometimes an everyday sight, sound, song or phrase can take my breath away. That split moment when marrow and bone are separated and the truth is poured into me. A glimpse too hard to capture becomes an event ever longed to be repeated.

In our Mass there is a moment when heaven touches earth, almost a spiritual horizon line where truth, beauty and humanity intersect, when the angels silence and wait as each and every person on earth living or dead is allowed to receive and become one with our Lord.

These are sacred moments, too valuable not to be shared and too special to be trampled on. How can I explain what it is I am desperate to share without making it sound ordinary? Isn't it in the ordinary that I am able to not only express but to connect with other people.

From out of the ordinary I have learned to respect and honor many of life's lessons. The first time in the morning when the shower water begins to run too cold at first. Then there it is, an almost imperceptible change in sound when the cold water rushing through the pipes begins to merge with the hot, that's the signal to test the temperature and step into the waters spray. How do I know this? How has my ear become trained to perceive something almost below ordinary, when I fear I can't hear Gods whispers. Is it just an ordinary lesson in repetition? Is it taught in times of total quiet and solitude with nothing else going on.... so ordinary, and yet amazing!

There is an everyday loveliness that comes and then slips away, often where I never notice. To see or experience these moments I not only have to ask God to show them too me, but I must be ready for their impact in my life, ready to implement, to have some effective integration tactics. God will have to be there for me then again, always, as I can not do even the ordinary alone.

find my srength

Already it is the month of March. It is so much warmer and dryer than it should be. I sit here with my tea and my thoughts, thanking God this Friday morning for putting a song on my lips.

I Will Be, I Will Be, I Will Be, Strength for the Journey. God will most certainly have to be my strength because I know there is no other way I can make it.

My husband leaves to get back to boat building next week. I am anxious to hear the status report but not looking forward to having him gone. I enjoy every mundane moment as much as I can here but wonder what the adventure will be like.

I wonder if the astronauts ever felt this way when mission control postponed a launch? When will I go? Will this really happen? All the time knowing that no matter how short or long the journey is it will register changes in ones life perspective the will forever stay.

I saw a You Tube video of a boat launch in Argentina, with the family standing along a roadside leading to the ramp as the launch took place , the BIG SPLASH was what they named it. I was surprised at the emotion I felt while watching the process and listening to the amateurish commentary often being interrupted by questions and instructions.

I have for so long kept my distance, waited prayerfully maybe even secretly hoping this life's dream would run it's course with out any need for salt water, waves or seasickness.

Here I am now anxious and waiting but I am not realy sure why. So much has happened to get me ready, literally I could fill blogs with little stuff, and most of it is examining stuff, trying to weigh out what is necessary for life and what is sufficient. Man nor woman lives by bread alone. Who knows maybe blogging is part of what God sends along to be my strength.

Hold on a minute.... why do I feel as if I am always cleaning up after myself. I want to share, or my ego does. Perhaps if I slow down I can make a better choice, or a better opinion may spring forth from my computerized lips. AM I spontaneous or wreckless?

I am cautioned again to watch for dualism,
them and us thinking. Good guys bad guys, the Right and the Wrong! Which one am I in my righteousness?

Who will I find I need to apologize to? or defend my position to?


Isn't this what my real fear is that someone won't agree, or worse will begin to oppose me outside of friendship and trust. In a world that is crying out "you get what you deserve" I wonder.

try all 10

A good and I will add unique friend sent me a copy of an article in Forbes magazine, titled,

How to be more interesting ( in 10 easy Steps) It is so cool, Who doesn't want to be more interesting; but more than that, who couldn't learn more or gain encouragement from trying these suggestions.

The first suggestion says to explore...do something new, get out of the echo chamber! now there is a bright thought, but it means looking into areas you have not gone before or that might be controversial. Do I research claims attributed to certain groups and sift out the propaganda? It means I have to be courageous because there is something more and it is amazing....push on those barricades!

The second is to share what you discover. Now I have to ask here are we talking about sharing what you found or What you think....the philosophical hole is looming nearby to trap even the most well intentioned.



For example; I went to a Chinese Herb Shop to see if they had a certain item and they did, the owner informed me he was a medical doctor in China and that he did acupuncture, and that he was new to the Austin area from Chicago. He also sold me some herbs that help clear sinuses, I looked up the ingredients on the internet first of course then when I was satisfied I started taking it. does this qualify as exploring and sharing, there is a long, long list of opinions about alternative medicines...hmmm maybe.

The 3rd piece of advice was "Do Something, Anything, "sitting around" doesn't count"....So now I am thinking this is an article directed at kids; but wait, plenty of people in my age group do the same ole thing everyday.Even if they aren't sitting they aren't really doing anything new.... Even if I don't share it I can write poetry, draw, sing, dance, walk, smell flowers, water flowers, dig holes plant cool things...but maybe I also need to stretch myself and do something out side my comfort zone...

4. Embrace my innate weirdness, ha that's funny, I think it means accept yourself, that is another blog for a lifetime...

5. is having a "cause", anyone who knows me knows there is always "a cause". A reason to write to my Senators and Congressmen. I am never sure how to best share this stuff with others, because it is such an "opinion" thing...and that gets me into lots of trouble. but Ladies of Charity my group of Ladies will be going on field trips to visit the charities we support...my idea...


The sixth suggestion to be more interesting is Minimize the Swagger, We have become a society that only accepts right answers (don't raise your hand unless you know the answer) and let there be no show of weakness.( never let them see you sweat) Waiting until you are absolutely sure before taking action, is considered good leadership... If someone makes a decision and any flaw develops then the "I told you so's" will Swagger out and comment incessantly on the incompetence. Rater than praising ingenuity, Sadly only history books get that privilege. How sad for this. I find it interesting that media might be the main push behind the perceived need for swagger and this small piece of advice is hidden in a media publication as number 6.

3 more to go so here goes: Give it a shot. Try it out. Play around with a new idea. Do something strange. If you never leave your comfort zone, you won’t grow.
I painted an old dresser right after we moved, I repainted it decorated it painted it again and it still isn't finished...I call it my work in progress. but, It's a piece of junk really not worth the paint or time but hey I am loving it. so everybody, hear this, I love suggestions just not discouragement.

Next is Hop off the Bandwagon,
well I think my husband did that when he started designing a boat to sail around in the ocean, as it nears completion I see I need to start hanging a leg off the edge of the bandwagon and get ready to jump, but for now I am enjoying some last minute time on it.

Next it says to be brave: or maybe just bold. Standing up for the underdog takes more courage than just going and offering some aid and assistance. Stirring the pot with well seeded topic of conversation might beat out initiating a new technique for cooking lasagna, but all of them work toward being just a wee bit different and laying the ground work for interesting.


Ignore the Scolds: I might add the "tsks" too, It is easier to argue with someones words than their subtle disapproving behaviors....

I must admit my heart lights up when I meet an individual who is truly happy doing their own odd and unique thing. One of the most interesting people I ever knew was a sculptor named Damian Priour who had a fantastic and diverse career doing what he loved. I am even more impressed when I see a person with real confidence, where there is no fear in how it gets shared, I mean didn't we all fall in love with the "Last Lecture", Who isn't proud for people who try their own formula and succeed if even for a minute.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/jessicahagy/2011/11/30/how-to-be-interesting/